last month, i received bad news back home that my father has cancer tumor in his liver. because he had mini-strokes before and even had a balloon procedure to open up his clogged arteries, he isn't really in a tip-top shape to undergo aggressive treatment like surgery, chemotheraphy and radiation to remove the tumor. basically, we were told by the doctors to just accept the inevitable. he was given three to six months to live.
since few years ago, i'm kind of steeled myself to receive bad news like this on his health.
but no matter how prepared i was mentally, i was devastated nonetheless to realize that he was really going away. what makes it so sad is, in the past few months i was keeping my distance from him because of some differences of opinion. i stopped talking to him on the phone. writing letters to him was few and far in between. talking to him and reading his letters were more of a pain because of the things that he wanted me to do with my life.
i was caught off guard then when mama told me about his state of health. it was a shock that left me breathless with grief. the minute i heard the news, i was so ready to pack my bags and fly home to be with papa.
concerns for him made me finally pick up the phone and call him. his voice was still booming. as always, he sound like a big boss barking his orders to his secratary. that's how he is and will always be. bossy and demanding as hell. he didn't sound sick at all. he told me all his pending projects and plans for his hometown. (his cousin is the town mayor so papa is helping him in some projects). his health was mentioned in passing as if nothing is important. he doesn't want me and my sister to go home immediately as what we plan to do. instead he suggested to just come home in december so we can jointly celebrate my birthday and their wedding anniversary.
now, that puts me in a quandary. i would like to go there as soon as possible but everyone back home says just come in december. i'm worried that it will be too late for me to see papa. but judging on my papa's will power to live, he'll make it beyond the doctor's prognosis. the final curtain will have to wait.
so for now, life goes on....somehow i feel that is what papa wants it to be. life is back to normal as if nothing bad is going to happen. once in awhile, a wave of sadness engulfs me with so much force, it leaves me drowning with depression. nonetheless, the strong bond that i share with my siblings have given me support and comfort. in a sense, it is a blessing in disguise that we will have enough time to prepare for papa's meeting with Our Maker. i do hope and pray that papa will get his spiritual and emotional healing before the final call. i do hope that before he goes away, our family will get the reconciliation and peace that we are all longing and praying for.
as always, i'm letting go and letting God.
since few years ago, i'm kind of steeled myself to receive bad news like this on his health.
but no matter how prepared i was mentally, i was devastated nonetheless to realize that he was really going away. what makes it so sad is, in the past few months i was keeping my distance from him because of some differences of opinion. i stopped talking to him on the phone. writing letters to him was few and far in between. talking to him and reading his letters were more of a pain because of the things that he wanted me to do with my life.
i was caught off guard then when mama told me about his state of health. it was a shock that left me breathless with grief. the minute i heard the news, i was so ready to pack my bags and fly home to be with papa.
concerns for him made me finally pick up the phone and call him. his voice was still booming. as always, he sound like a big boss barking his orders to his secratary. that's how he is and will always be. bossy and demanding as hell. he didn't sound sick at all. he told me all his pending projects and plans for his hometown. (his cousin is the town mayor so papa is helping him in some projects). his health was mentioned in passing as if nothing is important. he doesn't want me and my sister to go home immediately as what we plan to do. instead he suggested to just come home in december so we can jointly celebrate my birthday and their wedding anniversary.
now, that puts me in a quandary. i would like to go there as soon as possible but everyone back home says just come in december. i'm worried that it will be too late for me to see papa. but judging on my papa's will power to live, he'll make it beyond the doctor's prognosis. the final curtain will have to wait.
so for now, life goes on....somehow i feel that is what papa wants it to be. life is back to normal as if nothing bad is going to happen. once in awhile, a wave of sadness engulfs me with so much force, it leaves me drowning with depression. nonetheless, the strong bond that i share with my siblings have given me support and comfort. in a sense, it is a blessing in disguise that we will have enough time to prepare for papa's meeting with Our Maker. i do hope and pray that papa will get his spiritual and emotional healing before the final call. i do hope that before he goes away, our family will get the reconciliation and peace that we are all longing and praying for.
as always, i'm letting go and letting God.